The Mirror Ball
Staring into a mirror ball, and seeing my distorted face reflect back to me in a million pieces... reflects the state i am in. broken, yet altogether... together.
To the untrained eye, I am perfectly whole, no cracks, no broken pieces, just as i am, just the way i was... always am.... but upon closer scrutiny, one would notice... the cracks, the lines. a glass ball, now fragmented, yet still holding itself together... a reflection of me.
The closer the date towards my return back home beckons, the more i question. Firstly, the reason i am going home, and secondly, how much its only going to serve to hurt me. And these two questions are already enough to make me cringe and wonder. Should i really.
I have to be blantantly honest towards myself, a harsh reality check is in need.
Firstly, one of the main reasons i am going home and looking forward to going home so much, is d.
The prospect of surprising d, seeing him, spending time with him, and finally... finally being back with d, after months of being apart, after months of missing and hoping time would fly by faster.
But now i wonder.... should i really. in the first place, i honestly wonder, if the feelings i thought we shared are mutual. The degree to which i love, i give, i sacrifice and i long.. is it reciprocated... and after the previous night, the blatant reality bites.
I realise the number of "I"s i have used. and i question myself. Isn't a relationship supposed to be about "we"? What happened, i wonder... and it dawns on me... it became "I" when i realised how much my other half thought about his needs, his wants and his desires, and with me filling no part of those needs, wants and desires.
I filled into the in-betweens. the transition period that goes inbetween... where time is spent waiting for the next need, want, and desire... THAT was where i fit into his life. the time leftover.
It turned around and bit me so hard that i had only, in reality, one choice to make. and surprisingly, the choice was so clear that i was almost surprised of the quiet serenity it brought.
to detach myself...
it seems like the only solution that is applicable to me. the only solution that would make things better.
hmm... better.... the word "better" in itself is an oxymoron. When better equates to the distancing myself... to curb my feelings and love, to harden my heart... It makes me wonder... why is it better...
But as mentioned, a choice is not within reach.
to choose to continue the way i am, will serve no purpose. so what choice is left for me...
Anyway, i have digressed, yet, my digression has cleared the blur ground where i once stood... so before i delve into the second question in my post... it is back to the books that require my immediate attention, feelings and thoughts aside.
|
------
In Cold Blood
i hate the feeling...
my heart aches in real pain, twisting....
the blood in my body grows cold...
and the happiness, the longing, and the hoping that i carry with me the whole week...
turns around and bites me
This is how i feel.
|
------
Sunglasses with cherries on the top
Had to wake up really early today, for class. I was dead tired with less than 5 hours of sleep. But the day started off well, when j presented me early at 0845, with a gorgeous present that totally made my day! take a look... oh yes, i also bought a gorgeous pair of sunglasses from sports girl today =) i have been wanting one for ages! I'm a happy girl.
|
------
my cherry bag! isn't this sweet? =)
|
------
the new sunnies =) finally some protection for the eyes
|
------
Jaded
Feeling sad, frustrated with work and overwhelmed. Suddenly it seems like too much to cope. Its late at night, and maybe that's why i am feeling like this.
Thinking about darl, stuck in some jungle, makes me worried too. i pray he's ok. He isn't even completely well yet, from the snake bite he suffered from. =( i miss him. i can't wait to be back home.
|
------
Bring on the Beans
If you are ever in Australia, or any part of the world for that matter, and you happen to stumble into a store that sells the Masters Mocha Light (coffee) you have definitely got to give it a try, IT'S addictive i tell u!
Ever since i arrived in koala land, i have been guzzling down heaps! and it always always tastes better on an empty stomach. smooth, rich, everything you could ever ask for in a carton of coffee you grab at a supermarket. =) im hooked i tell u.... if it isnt already blantantly obvious.
anyhoo, oh an entirely different note altogether. I received my essay results back and Im so happy! Praise God for my credit. =) i was sooooooo scared i failed, as it seemed to be the worse essay i've ever written, and the lecturer was really strict with marking, proclaiming that he failed a few people and hardly anyone received any distinctions. I am so delighted at God's grace and blessing. =) it has given me renewed strength to continue with my tough assignments. =)
And last night, when i was praying, i had this sudden sense of peace... like i knew then, that it would all be ok. and true enough, it is. God is good to me. =) I pray for His strength and guidance through the weeks ahead. =)
p.s. i miss dd... hmm...
|
------
BAH!
The only work to describe how i'm feeling now is BLEAH! how eloquent, i know. -__-
Feeling so... yup, bleah. I don't really know why. Maybe its because i'm alone at home, maybe its because i have chunk loads of work to complete. 3 major essays, 1 test, 1 presentation, 1 exam, and they are all back-to-back, even overlapping, or maybe its because my dd is all outta touch with me since last friday. (he has had this outfield camp... which means no contact) and to make everything our 5 yr mark happened to be on Oct 19 and im away from home, can't celebrate it with d, and even a phonecall from him is impossible
=( definitely feelin the blueeesss...
BahhhhhhHhhhh.
|
------
Grace
I pray for grace to get through these few weeks leading up to my return home. With loads of work on my shoulders, i pray for strength from God to get through this. With Him, NOTHING is impossible. =)
|
------
Blessed
I thank God for His blessings. He has carried me through the test and presentation this week. My test went really well, and I know that if it was not for God's divine grace upon me, I would not have been able to score full marks for the test or even close to it.
God has been so faithful to me, and today, I also received grades for a test and assignment and God blessed my grades. =) I'm happy for His love and grace that has carried me through.
The battle goes on though, with loads of work and exams in the next 30 days before im back home with the people who love me. But, I'm happy.
Oh yes! My winnie e pooh clock i bought from ebay came in the mail today! YAY! I'm so delighted! =) take a look... and tell me its not gorgeous =)
|
------
My Pretty Pooh Clock =)
|
------
Praying for Strength
Feeling really stressed and tired. I pray for strength.
|
------
Open Wound
No call, No message, No nothing from you today. On other days you tell me you're in camp and due to the hectic lifestyle there, you have no time to call or message me. Then let me ask u, wat about today. You're out. And where are u? No Call, Not even a message... What excuse are u gonna give me today. You tell me you love me, You tell me u value our relationship. is this how u do? Ii called and called and called, yet i can never get u. Not once. I don't know what to think anymore. I don't. I'm hurting more and more, and i dont want to hurt no more.
|
------
Sometimes...
i love him, and i try my best to understand, which is why i always tell myself, when he doesn't call, its because of training, its not because he chose not to. but when days string together, and i hear nothing from him... ... not even a msg... ... ... ...
i dont want to be an unreasonable girlfriend, or even a demanding girlfriend, and i dont think i am. i dont think im asking for much. But i am becoming an increasingly neglected girlfriend.
i dont blame him though...
|
------
my new mug =) all ready for Christmas
|
------
Missing Her
I miss Candy. I miss her like crazy. It has been 8 months since she left but everytime i think of her, it brings tears to my eyes. I guess i'm always going to miss her. No matter how long it is, no matter what.
Loved and Loss. Sometimes you never get over it. I can say that i Loved her, but No, more accurately, i should say, I love her.
I loved her for 12 years, and even though she's gone, i still love her, and i always will. She will always be my darling, and my baby.
I thank God for bringing her into my life. Thank You.
|
------
Tired Out
I'm tired of waiting. I'm not gonna wait anymore.
|
------